37 Weeks!

Which means I'm full term! YAY! I have a fully formed baby in me. Kinda trippy.
I was doing baby laundry yesterday and it's weird to look at everything and think that my baby will get to wear it.
So along with the "YAY there's a baby!" comes weird feelings of seperation anxiety. Not so much her seperation from me, because while I like having her there, I can't wait to see her, it's more after the fact. I don't know how I am going to react to people coming and visiting and taking her from me to hold. (sorry family, but it's how I feel, I suspect there will be a time when this will change, this is merely how I feel right now) Adam thinks I've gone off of my rocker, but that's nothing new. My anxiety over the "pass the baby game" is directly related to her protection. Germs people! Germs. It's cold and flu season, and RSV is scary! And she's used to me and Adam, how will she feel to be passed from person to person, and just as her little eyes focus she realizes that it's not her Mama or her Daddy!
Okay clearly I need to breathe now, and cross my fingers that she cooks a little longer and I can get over this.
Although I have been feeling this way for a while. I don't buy into the whole idea that babies don't care of know. Even when friends have babies and I've visited, I've never just assumed that I would get to hold the baby, I would wait to be invited. When Tessa was born my brother immediatly gave her to me and I was a little shocked, I don't know if I could have done that to my one day old child. But then again my brother and I are different people, and he's no more wrong than I am for feeling this way.
Anyhow I'm crazy we know, Adam will tell you so.
And YAY baby!

24 months ago.

Today Adam and I have been married for 2 years. Not many people know our actual anniversary date because we had a very small ceremony at his parent's house, it wasn't until June that we had the big white wedding that everyone remembers.

The ceremony 2 years ago today was interesting, we had no rings and it was all very tense. I've never talked about it on here before, but everyone knows so I figure there's no harm. I was made to sign a pre-nup, which was very, very hard for me. I have some clear ideas in my head of what makes a marriage and trust is a big one for me, and I felt that I was being told I couldn't be trusted. To make a long, painful story short, Adam didn't want me to sigh the pre-nup, he saw that it was tearing me up and didn't want to cause me that much hurt. The anguish I felt over that was similar to what I felt when my grandparents died. I know that some people will think I'm silly to feel that way, but like I said, I hold my marriage vows sacred and I felt that I was just signing a pre-divorce, I felt rejected and demoralized, it hurt me a lot.

However something powerful came out of my anguish. Until that point I had never really let anyone in my personal shell, I'd never let anyone see my cry that way, and I'd never been that vulnerable in front of another human. I remember leaving the office in the back of our house a total mess, I was sobbing after being told that there was no way out and some other stuff that will haunt me for a long time. I stumbled into the living room where Adam was waiting, and I crawled onto the couch and curled up next to him and cried. Adam sat there and held me, stroked my hair and just was. I couldn't say anything all I could do was cry, the ugly cry, the snotty nosed, breath catching in your throat cry. Adam sat there and let me cry, let me soak his shoulder and he comforted me. Eventually when I could explain to him the situation and the options we had, we came up with a solution, which we all know was for me to sign the agreement. But I think on that night we truly sealed our relationship, I knew that he was perfect for me, and that he did trust me, it was like the ceremony 3 days later was a formality. We made our vows to each other that night, as we sat in the dark with Adam consoling me, and me trusting him and what he was saying. And here we are 2 years later, our relationship is stronger than ever, despite the pre-nup and reminders that 50% of marriages fail. Despite fertility issues and changing countries. I know that we have a strong relationship, one that is destined to last for a long time, even if there is a stupid agreement out there that made me feel like a nasty gold digger.

To be fair I understand why I had to sign it. But that does not negate how I feel about it, and how I felt about it. The whole situation hurt me deeply, and caused a lot of problems for me on a personal level. Adam is aware of how I feel, it's something we talk about often. It wasn't something we could file away under "taken care of", and I don't think we will be able to file it away for a long time. Anyhow the moral of the story is I love Adam, and he loves me, and 2 years ago we made it official. Despite the ugly that happened I'm happy I married him, I'm happy with the way our life is going and there is no one else I would want to share my life with.

What the eff??

Seriously....

George Bush passes a law changing what is acceptable punishment for detainees, so that he can't be charged with war crimes. He back dates it to Sept. 11, 2001.
What a great guy!

So young!

Heath Ledger dies at 28!
Sometimes I wonder if being famous makes you more prone to dying young. Or is it because he's young that we hear about it? In any case it's sad, he has a child. (I can't remember if he's still married or not.)

36 Weeks and lovely Internet people!

Yesterday I was 36 weeks pregnant. It's rather exciting because I'm one week away from the baby being considered full term, a place I never thought I'd get to. So surreal.
Along with being 36 weeks I am tired. Tie, to the -erd. Yesterday it was toss up between sleep and eating, eventually eating won out because it's hard to sleep when one's hungry. I blame the sleepyness and hunger to the baby gaining an ounce a day! That's a lot!

So with being pregnant comes gifts I've learned and I've been spoiled by people that I didn't expect to spoil me. Lovely Internet people! Lisa at Random Outlaw sent me a lilac moby which was perfect because I had also ordered a chocolate one so that Adam wouldn't have to wear a girly colour, and now we each can have one! YAY! Thanks Lisa! I love it! Regan gave me many many outfits for the baby, all for 6 months and later, which shows how genius she really is. And cute! It's nice to know that I will have a totally stylish baby in spite of my lack of style. Thanks Regan! I will take many pictures of the baby being cute and well dressed!
It makes me feel so loved to have people I've met online give me gifts! What a lovely place the Internet is! Also on the message board I frequent we've done 2nd and 3rd trimester swaps so I've gotten gifts from other women who are in my due date club, which is so fun! Such nice people!

Eating.

I've complained here to the internets* about my inability to satiate my cravings during this pregnancy.
I thought I should elaborate on this issue since it's still plaguing me.
Apparently I'm too Canadian to be living in Northern California, the land of every culture and every food type EXCEPT anything Canadian. In the past I've made it no secret that I want Tim Hortons chicken soup, which is my most favourite in the whole wide world. However I can't get anything even similar to it here. To add to my list of can't haves is pho sate from Saigon Y2K in Calgary which I've decided is a bastardized pho soup because we can't find it here either, and yet I want it in all of it's salty, spicy, kinda fishy glory. And my latest addition to my list of can't haves is perogies.
Yesterday Adam and I searched for them in the local store and found one kind, a frozen low fat kind, which weren't very good. It boggled my mind that at home they are a whole section in the freezer and there is a huge variety of them, but here- nothing. Adam was quick to point out that I could have taquitos, any variety, but sigh, I NEEDED perogies.
So I had the crappy ones. And I cursed not being in Canada again.

Stupid Northern California with everything EXCEPT perogies, Tim Hortons and yummy pho.

*Adam hates it when people say the internets.... hee hee.

I was brainstorming

a great new way to name your children. When we thought the baby was a boy we had a horrible time coming up with a boy name.
So I thought of this great idea:
We should name our children after the most recent winner of American Idol! If the winner is the wrong gender then choose the next closest winner based on gender for the name. However with the winner this year having a uni-sex name, it would work well.

So good idea?


Yeah I didn't think so either.

Midnight oh one, coincides with week 35.

It's late and I should be all cuddled in bed trying to get over my killer cold, but alas my pregnant body will not let me relax. I've been blessed with the evil restless legs and lovely heartburn. I would love to complain about how I'm DONE being pregnant, but really and truly I'm not done. I'm not disliking it as much as I assume I should be after reading accounts of how much other women hate being in the late stages of pregnancy. Rather I am enjoying it. Granted I do not like the discomforts, but I do like feeling the baby move. I really love the anticipation of what's to come. And golly lolly after the rigamarole it took to get here, I am not going to take it for granted and wish it away. I am anxious to see this little being who like to make it hurt to take deep breaths, I'm not going to say I want to meet her because I know her quite well. She's really feisty, she doesn't like any pressure at all, and will fight it. I wonder if she will like being swaddled. She gets a little pissy when I have a contraction and when it ends she goes on a little rampage (it's little because she's confined). She will not participate in the daily "let the Daddy feel you" game, she gets all quiet then retaliates by dancing on my bladder.
Adam and I wonder what she will look like. I think, based on ultrasounds that she has my nose, and I hope so! We debate eye colour. Adam would love blue, and I think that she will have blue, but only because green is so less common, and especially my true green. Really I'll be happy with just her having eyes. (which is predicted)
Anyhow while we're on the topic, it seems my blood pressure has evened out. I don't know if is because of the acupuncture or if it's all because the nurse was an idiot. I think it's a little of both. Long story shortened, the nurse didn't get a proper reading (Lisa you were right), it freaked me out, which made a proper reading high, my cuff is a piece of crap, the doctor suggested pre-e twice, I had many tests, proceeded to get more stressed, hospital visit, all is well, doctor visit all is well, new home cuff and my bp is perfect. So home birth, ON! I'm still seeing the acupuncturist who is also going to help me learn to relax, which is quite the skill apparently and one that I've never really had. I've never been one to deal with stress well, which is a reason I am so sick now. (And the reason I had to miss Regan's birthday party...)
Speaking of the acupuncturist. Whoo whee it's interesting. Adam doesn't really follow that train of thought at all, which I can understand, it's quite different. I can follow it a little better, but I still have trouble understanding chi and vibrations. However after my session on Friday I can breathe easier (she was helping with my cold in addition to the high blood pressure). I also had an acupressure session, which was so, so nice. I expected it to be a lot more intense, but it was gentle and relaxing. Ahem, More please! The needles for the acupuncture are really strange. They don't hurt going in, but when she twiddles them they send some searing jabs up your arm, or where ever they are. I feel like there should be gaping holes in me, but I can never see them after she takes the needles away. It's really rather interesting, although a little pricey.

Okay it's midnight nineteen and I'm dead tired, and this has gone beyond rambly to incoherent.

Typical Gmail Chat conversation

Me: hey poke poke
Adam: Hi Sweetie, how're you?
Me: good...
Adam: I just got back from lunch.
Me: What did you have?
Adam: (insert gourmet lunch choice here)
Me: I've had generic cereal and milk....

So I'm glad that Adam gets all of the good stuff, but I can't say that I'm not jealous. Today he had duck and pear salad, yesterday he had pork cutlets with some swanky vegetable thing. So jealous.
I had toast with jam....

Ohhh that waskally blogger!

My absence can be explained, I promise. Apparently the people we use the host our page was moving something or changing somehow and it wasn't letting me upload my entries. But now I see that it has allowed it, so I'm back! To be fair it wasn't blogger, but I can't remember the name of the host. So there.

Nothing much is new here.
I've had some fun health stuff. After a perfect pregnancy I've been plagued with high blood pressure. There has been lots of talk of pre-eclampsia, which is hella scary! But it looks like it's not that, perhaps pregnancy induced hypertension? I don't know. Yesterday at the midwife appointment it was perfect and normal, but when I take it today it's scary high. I'm almost inclined to think that it's my blood pressure cuff, with a little hypertension mixed in. So we did have to make the trek to the hospital when I had a really scary reading but all was well, and I was discharged on house arrest. Not quite bed rest, but could be soon.
Sucky deal!
I still might be able to have a home birth, which we all know I really want. But if I have to have a hospital birth so I don't die, I'll go to the hospital. And then I'll try for a home birth with the next one.
I've been seeing an acupuncturist to try and bring my blood pressure down. It's strange to lay there when you know there are multiple needles sticking out of you. But if it works I'm not going to stop. Poor Adam is having troubles accepting that acupuncture could work. I'm really making him look beyond what he's accustomed to regarding science and such with this pregnancy. But he's willing to, and I love him for it.
My doctor had me do a 24 hour urine test. Which is gross and no one wants to hear about it, but have you ever wondered how much you pee in a whole day? It's crazy. So to do the test you pee in a cup and pour it in a big ol' jug. I nearly filled two 3- litre jugs! Dude that's a lot of pee! Hee hee, then poor Adam had to carry it into the hospital, after all I was going there assuming that I was about to die with my freaky high blood pressure, carrying 5 litres of liquid wasn't good for me.
So there have been my last few days summed up, oh and I have a killer cold.
To recap,
high blood pressure, not sure why
sometimes normal blood pressure, confusing
needles all over, funny
jug o' pee, gross, yet amusing
nasty cold, evil, but expected (this is what my body does when I'm stressed)

Happy Hump Day!

New Year Round Up

I would have titled it Year End Round Up, but today's the first, so I'm late.
Remember last year when I did the meme where you posted the first line from each month? Let's do it again!

A Year in Review

Well, Blogger has been having some issues with our blog, and then we went on vacation.
In case you've been wondering why Dea and I have disappeared for the last few days, we've been moving into a new place.
So today mother nature lets me know that I'm not pregnant. For those playing along, that's bad news in Chez Berkan.
I've returned from the Great White North, which is really more brownish than white right now.
Today I went to an injections class.
I haven't made it a secret that Adam and I really want to have a baby.
No really it's still Canada Day.
Chachi seems to have eaten something not so good for his little tummy again.
My glasses are in the other room, and well it's hot and I'm pregnant.
We had an ultrasound today to check up on the Murp and make sure that her heart is okay, as there was a small chance that she would have inherited Adam's funky heart issue that nearly killed him as a baby.
To please the masses.
As of last weekend all of the baby's grandparents know that we are planning a home birth.