24 months ago.

Today Adam and I have been married for 2 years. Not many people know our actual anniversary date because we had a very small ceremony at his parent's house, it wasn't until June that we had the big white wedding that everyone remembers.

The ceremony 2 years ago today was interesting, we had no rings and it was all very tense. I've never talked about it on here before, but everyone knows so I figure there's no harm. I was made to sign a pre-nup, which was very, very hard for me. I have some clear ideas in my head of what makes a marriage and trust is a big one for me, and I felt that I was being told I couldn't be trusted. To make a long, painful story short, Adam didn't want me to sigh the pre-nup, he saw that it was tearing me up and didn't want to cause me that much hurt. The anguish I felt over that was similar to what I felt when my grandparents died. I know that some people will think I'm silly to feel that way, but like I said, I hold my marriage vows sacred and I felt that I was just signing a pre-divorce, I felt rejected and demoralized, it hurt me a lot.

However something powerful came out of my anguish. Until that point I had never really let anyone in my personal shell, I'd never let anyone see my cry that way, and I'd never been that vulnerable in front of another human. I remember leaving the office in the back of our house a total mess, I was sobbing after being told that there was no way out and some other stuff that will haunt me for a long time. I stumbled into the living room where Adam was waiting, and I crawled onto the couch and curled up next to him and cried. Adam sat there and held me, stroked my hair and just was. I couldn't say anything all I could do was cry, the ugly cry, the snotty nosed, breath catching in your throat cry. Adam sat there and let me cry, let me soak his shoulder and he comforted me. Eventually when I could explain to him the situation and the options we had, we came up with a solution, which we all know was for me to sign the agreement. But I think on that night we truly sealed our relationship, I knew that he was perfect for me, and that he did trust me, it was like the ceremony 3 days later was a formality. We made our vows to each other that night, as we sat in the dark with Adam consoling me, and me trusting him and what he was saying. And here we are 2 years later, our relationship is stronger than ever, despite the pre-nup and reminders that 50% of marriages fail. Despite fertility issues and changing countries. I know that we have a strong relationship, one that is destined to last for a long time, even if there is a stupid agreement out there that made me feel like a nasty gold digger.

To be fair I understand why I had to sign it. But that does not negate how I feel about it, and how I felt about it. The whole situation hurt me deeply, and caused a lot of problems for me on a personal level. Adam is aware of how I feel, it's something we talk about often. It wasn't something we could file away under "taken care of", and I don't think we will be able to file it away for a long time. Anyhow the moral of the story is I love Adam, and he loves me, and 2 years ago we made it official. Despite the ugly that happened I'm happy I married him, I'm happy with the way our life is going and there is no one else I would want to share my life with.