Would be Facebook Updates

I had a lot to say today, but I don't like to update my facebook status too much in one day. I'll lay them out here instead:
*Trixie signed eat then cheese, I love how she's stringing signs together. She also says cheese, it sounds like "shchee".
*I'm really homesick for Canada. I would like to move to Vancouver post haste.
*I'm a socialist.
*Trixie has a killer diaper rash, so we're diaperless today. She signed potty so I sat her on the toilet, she struggled to get down then peed on the floor. 2X.
*I'm making beets for dinner with a cucumber salad.
*Perinatologist appointment today, looks like a homebirth is off the table, but a VABC isn't, yet.
*I bought Trixie pre cut watermelon and other melon chunks at Whole Foods, they are so yummy I want to eat them all up myself.
*I need more shoes.

17 month newsletter

Dearest Beatrix,
A couple of days ago you turned 17 months while we were on vacation. I think the vacation was really hard on you. We went to a lot of places and saw a lot of people, and while you are undeniably cute you didn't transition as well and reminded me that we are firmly in the toddler times! To be fair we asked a lot of you this trip. We went to 5 different cities in 10 days, you had to sleep in 6 different beds in 10 days and were introduced to countless new people. I understand why this trip was hard for you, then to make it harder you cut 2 teeth while we were gone, on of which is a molar, and to make it worse we experienced crazy heat. So really you are a trooper, any adult in your position would have totally went crazy!
Your mobility has improved a lot this month. You've learned how to stomp your feet and you stomp a lot, and when you walk and stomp you do this adorable goose step which makes me giggle. You've also perfected the toddler sprint, toddler jog and toddler saunter, all of which make your wee cheeks bounce in the most adorable way. Whenever Daddy comes home from work and you hear the garage door go up you run laps around the house yelling from pure joy. It's pretty cute!
Your eating is still plaguing me. I wish you would be a more excitable eater. But you aren't. I can get you to eat berries and bananas, but much more than that is hard. Not to say you're picky, you just don't always want to eat. Luckily I can get a decent meal into you about every other day, and you pick along the rest of the time. On the days that you eat more than one decent meal I am very happy! Let's try for more of that, okay? You are growing okay though, so I am not that worried. We're still on toddler formula, which I am happy about. The way I see it, if you were able to breastfeed you would still be doing that, and I hope that the formula fills in the gaps in your diet from not eating enough. You're funny about your bottles though, you'll only have milk in a bottle, never a sippy, and vice versa for juice and water. I think you're going to have some funny quirks like me, I think this month we'll work on learning to fold laundry into perfect squares just to start you on the good quirky road!
Your language skills continue to amaze me! I would guess that you know about 50 signs and now you're starting to sign and use words at the same time. We talk a lot about balls, birds, shoes, dogs and bananas, which all seem to be your favourite words. (Along with Mama and Daddy, Dada, or Dado.) This month we started to work on colours to go along with the animal signs you already know. You're really picking them up quickly, it's really amazing!
The other day in the car while we were driving on our trip you were asking for the sunroof to be opened, so Gramma tricked you and only opened it a couple of inches and you looked at it, and then signed "more open please" with no prompting or reminding of any words. We were all shocked and amazed since you reserve your 3 word sentences for food related things.
You have developed a silly little sense of humour which cracks me and your daddy up. While on our trip we stopped at an ice cream place that also is a farm; and while we toured the farm we talked about the animals and used the signs. However, when we came to the cows, you refused to sign cow instead said "moo!" then laughed your little butt off. It was really funny and your comedic timing was spot on! Daddy and I wondered a bit where you learned that a cow says moo, then we realized that you learned it from a book! (Moo Baa La La La) So already at 17 months you're book learning! How exciting! You loved the farm, anything with animals fascinates you. Daddy and I are a little worried that you have no fear of animals at all. You tried to walk into the cow pen, when we met various dogs on the trip you hugged them right away without even hesitating, and laughed when a dog barked right next to you. Even when a horse snorted in your face you giggled and tried to hug the horse's muzzle. I'm happy that you love animals so much, I hope that you never lose that love!
This upcoming month we are going to start going swimming more. I've learned that you are a water girl! We went to the beach with Gramma and Auntie Sue and cousin Amelia and you walked into the water with Gramma up to your chin with no hesitation! Another time we went to a pool and while you were so tired that you couldn't smile, which we were drying you off all you did was sign "more please" over and over in hopes that we would go back to swimming. So Mama's going to have to get over her bathing suit in public phobia and take you swimming lots more!
This month too we've talked more to you about how you're going to be a big sister and that there's a baby in Mama's tummy. I know that you don't understand at all. But Love, you are going to be a big sister and I hope the transition isn't going to be too hard for you. When I hold other babies you get quite upset and demand my attention. Luckily when the new baby comes Daddy gets lots of time off of work so we can make the transition easier for you. I think you'll be a good big sister, you do love babies, just not when Mama's holding them and not holding you!
But you know, you'll always be my first baby and I'll always love you just as much, even if you have 1000 little brothers and sisters!

love,
Mama.

Pregnancy and Loss.

So as most of the world knows I'm pregnant again and due late January with baby the second, baby number two or Turducken.
I loved how our neighbours some how find out and congratulate Adam like he's accomplished a major feat. Me? I thank science, particularly the Reproductive and Endocrinology Department!
Getting pregnant this time was in many ways harder than getting pregnant with Trixie. After her surprise c-section my uterus was left pretty scarred up, which we found out after the surgery I had to open the blocked fallopian tube I had. So I needed 2 more surgeries to remove scar tissue, a mess of fibroids and some crazy endometrium lining. After all of these surgeries I had the go ahead to start trying to conceive. Then I started having gall bladder attacks, which my friends, are horrible. Worse than labour pains, which the surgeon told me is a common complaint about them. The only way to alleviate them quickly was to have my gall bladder removed, which I did, in December. Now I was truly ready to have a baby again. (If you're counting that was 5 surgeries in 2008!)
Adam and I started on the drugs again (I say Adam because while I take them, he suffers too). We were really optimistic that I would conceive on the first cycle because this drug is most effective the first time you use it. However I was not so lucky. That cycle was a bust, then the next we had to miss because I overstimulated and had to skip one, then the next failed, then the next I was on a super high dose along with another drug to help this one be stronger. This one yielded me with seven eggs, which is a lot. The nurse practitioners cautioned me that I would hurt a lot when I ovulated (I did, a lot) and that I should be prepared for multiples and the possibility of having to reduce the number of embryos. I was excited because with so many eggs I should be able to get at least one, and hopefully two, any more than that was scary, and I did not want to think about reducing the number of babies.
As luck would have it, I did get pregnant. My beta numbers were a little high, but not unbelievably so. From week 4 I was nauseous a lot. At the 6 week ultrasound I learned that there were 2 sacs, and we could see a clear beating heart in one, and something in the other, so it was not an empty sac, which means it was not a blighted ovum. (Which is when an unfertilized egg implants.) I went on to tell everyone that I was pregnant with twins. Which was not scary for me. That would give us 3 children and I've always wanted 3 or 4. I would not have to go through another round of fertility treatments, because they're horrible. My family would be complete, and by this point the nausea was horrible and I felt terrible all of the time. I did not want to think about another pregnancy.
We went back at 7 weeks to check on the other sac, and again that baby was not showing clearly, the sac was still growing and there was something in it. The other baby was growing wonderfully, and had a strong visible heartbeat.
Week 9, it's obvious that there is now nothing in the sac with the hard to see baby. I am officially pregnant with one only baby, but now with a sac that continues to grow and has a placenta, which gives me the hormone rush, making me nauseous.
Week 10, I'm defined as a "twin loss" I can't do any early screening because there is DNA from that lost baby in me, which would cloud any testing. Now I am sad. The label of "twin loss" hits me really hard. All of the nurses at the REI clinic are sad and I have a tough time not losing everything in front of them. And besides Adam they are the only people to offer me their condolences and not make comments that at least I have one healthy baby. They understand that I lost a baby, not a mess of cells and not just an empty sac. A baby. Granted the baby was small (they figure it died at about 6 weeks) and was only a mess of cells, but you know, I wanted that mess of cells, I planned to meet and hold that mess of cells. That mess of cells was my baby. I had/ have to grieve for that baby.
Now I am at week 12, I have felt Turducken wiggle a lot, I'm betting that this will be a wiggly baby, just like Trixie was. Sometimes I feel like Turducken is a girl, sometimes a boy. I think that the baby who died was a boy and Turducken is a girl, but I don't know. I feel strongly that I was pregnant with a boy and girl.
I am still sad when I think about what could have been. And I am sure some people out there are chiding me in their minds, but scroll up and read what I went through again. That baby was wanted, along with the baby I am pregnant with. WANTED. LOVED. It's not a blessing that I lost one of the twins. It's a travesty. It's horrible. It's not something I ever want to feel again. People don't seem to understand this.
Adam does though. So I am lucky. He has never said that "at least we have one".
But we do. And s/he is a wiggly, kicky baby. For that I am grateful!

Amber Alert

Tonight Adam and I were watching TV and this Amber Alert came across the screen.
It made me so sad. Granted I've heard other alerts, but this one really affected me. The child who was kidnapped was a one year old. Trixie is one!
The father killed the mother and took off with the baby. All I can think about is how scared that baby must me. I hope she didn't see her dad kill her mom. I hope she knows her dad so that she's not too scared, and I hope he's being good to her.

Without being too sappy, I am grateful everyday that Adam and I have a happy marriage, this really helped to make me even more grateful. There is just so much turmoil around children nowadays. We're supposed to honour our children, not fight about them, and I see so much fighting.

Adam, my love. I am so grateful for you. So is Trixie, she tells you every time she drools on your head or gives you hugs with her slimy, drooly fingers.