Pregnancy and Loss.

So as most of the world knows I'm pregnant again and due late January with baby the second, baby number two or Turducken.
I loved how our neighbours some how find out and congratulate Adam like he's accomplished a major feat. Me? I thank science, particularly the Reproductive and Endocrinology Department!
Getting pregnant this time was in many ways harder than getting pregnant with Trixie. After her surprise c-section my uterus was left pretty scarred up, which we found out after the surgery I had to open the blocked fallopian tube I had. So I needed 2 more surgeries to remove scar tissue, a mess of fibroids and some crazy endometrium lining. After all of these surgeries I had the go ahead to start trying to conceive. Then I started having gall bladder attacks, which my friends, are horrible. Worse than labour pains, which the surgeon told me is a common complaint about them. The only way to alleviate them quickly was to have my gall bladder removed, which I did, in December. Now I was truly ready to have a baby again. (If you're counting that was 5 surgeries in 2008!)
Adam and I started on the drugs again (I say Adam because while I take them, he suffers too). We were really optimistic that I would conceive on the first cycle because this drug is most effective the first time you use it. However I was not so lucky. That cycle was a bust, then the next we had to miss because I overstimulated and had to skip one, then the next failed, then the next I was on a super high dose along with another drug to help this one be stronger. This one yielded me with seven eggs, which is a lot. The nurse practitioners cautioned me that I would hurt a lot when I ovulated (I did, a lot) and that I should be prepared for multiples and the possibility of having to reduce the number of embryos. I was excited because with so many eggs I should be able to get at least one, and hopefully two, any more than that was scary, and I did not want to think about reducing the number of babies.
As luck would have it, I did get pregnant. My beta numbers were a little high, but not unbelievably so. From week 4 I was nauseous a lot. At the 6 week ultrasound I learned that there were 2 sacs, and we could see a clear beating heart in one, and something in the other, so it was not an empty sac, which means it was not a blighted ovum. (Which is when an unfertilized egg implants.) I went on to tell everyone that I was pregnant with twins. Which was not scary for me. That would give us 3 children and I've always wanted 3 or 4. I would not have to go through another round of fertility treatments, because they're horrible. My family would be complete, and by this point the nausea was horrible and I felt terrible all of the time. I did not want to think about another pregnancy.
We went back at 7 weeks to check on the other sac, and again that baby was not showing clearly, the sac was still growing and there was something in it. The other baby was growing wonderfully, and had a strong visible heartbeat.
Week 9, it's obvious that there is now nothing in the sac with the hard to see baby. I am officially pregnant with one only baby, but now with a sac that continues to grow and has a placenta, which gives me the hormone rush, making me nauseous.
Week 10, I'm defined as a "twin loss" I can't do any early screening because there is DNA from that lost baby in me, which would cloud any testing. Now I am sad. The label of "twin loss" hits me really hard. All of the nurses at the REI clinic are sad and I have a tough time not losing everything in front of them. And besides Adam they are the only people to offer me their condolences and not make comments that at least I have one healthy baby. They understand that I lost a baby, not a mess of cells and not just an empty sac. A baby. Granted the baby was small (they figure it died at about 6 weeks) and was only a mess of cells, but you know, I wanted that mess of cells, I planned to meet and hold that mess of cells. That mess of cells was my baby. I had/ have to grieve for that baby.
Now I am at week 12, I have felt Turducken wiggle a lot, I'm betting that this will be a wiggly baby, just like Trixie was. Sometimes I feel like Turducken is a girl, sometimes a boy. I think that the baby who died was a boy and Turducken is a girl, but I don't know. I feel strongly that I was pregnant with a boy and girl.
I am still sad when I think about what could have been. And I am sure some people out there are chiding me in their minds, but scroll up and read what I went through again. That baby was wanted, along with the baby I am pregnant with. WANTED. LOVED. It's not a blessing that I lost one of the twins. It's a travesty. It's horrible. It's not something I ever want to feel again. People don't seem to understand this.
Adam does though. So I am lucky. He has never said that "at least we have one".
But we do. And s/he is a wiggly, kicky baby. For that I am grateful!