bittersweet day.

I really like November, for the most part. It is the start of the Christmas season, and I love Christmas, but only in November, then I get really exhausted by it and wish it would go away. It's also the month that I met Adam, which you know is huge. It has Remembrance Day, which is important to me and while it has a sadder meaning I look forward to it, to remember my Grandpa and remember all that he taught me. (more on that later, and check out what I wrote last Nov. 11)
And today! I love today. It was my Grannie's birthday, and she was the most amazing woman ever! Today was also my grandparent's wedding anniversary, so it was a doubly happy day for me growing up. There was always cake and celebrations. However the bittersweet is that they are both gone now, and I miss them so much. I still dream of them like I had just seen them yesterday, but Grampa's been gone since 1994 and Grannie since 2001. They were, without a doubt, the most influential people in my life.
My Grampa taught me to ride a bike, to weed a garden and make strawberries grow. He taught me how to wield a hammer and to mow lawns. He did everything a father should have done, but with his Grampa charm. He would drive me around my paper route when I was tired, he would pick me up from school when I was sick. He was amazing, I miss him so much. I can't really remember the tones of his voice, and I'm struggling to remember how he smelled (fresh garden soil and bounce), but he was amazing.
And my Grannie. On the level of amazing people I rank her above everyone else in the whole world. She was my everything. I chose to stay in Kelowna and go to a very small university so I could be near her. After my Grampa died I was the (only) one who volunteered to live with her to take care of her because she was too ill to be alone. (I was 17 and still in high school) It wasn't a sacrifice for me, I was at their house all of the time anyhow, living there just formalized it.
Growing up she taught me to bake and to cook. She's responsible for my creativity and love of crafting and making anything I can. I really think that she nurtured so much good into me and helped me to break a cycle that was being set. She encouraged me to go to University and was so happy when I was accepted to a school, even though they rarely didn't accept anyone. She had so much faith in me, she helped me to be confident.
A little while after my Grampa died, Grannie was put into a home, she was just too sick for the home nurses and needed more care. She was so brave about it. I never saw her upset by the choices made by others. While in the home I visited her nearly everyday. The staff asked me once how I got there, and didn't believe me when I told them that I drove. They asked about my school and I told them I came between classes or after I was done. Then they revealed that they thought I was 13, I was 20 at the time. And while this whole exchange was happening my Grannie was so happy, so proud. We would often go to the main hall to have tea, I hated seeing the envy on the other resident's faces, but I did love to see the happiness on my Grannie.
She was in the home for a couple years. I spent 2 Christmases in there with her. The last one (that I was there for) was just her and I for most of the day, then some aunts and uncles showed up. Then later that year she gave me a scare, the doctors at the home called me to come right away. They were worried that she wouldn't survive the night. I do not recall me driving there at all. I remember seeing her doctor, but I couldn't hear him because I was sobbing so hard. The nurses took me to sit with her, but she was in so much pain that she didn't recognize me. The nurses encouraged me to talk to her, which was so hard, I couldn't breathe since I was crying. I eventually willed myself to calm down and I talked to her. I remember she looked at me and her eyes were wild. My heart broke. Eventually she did calm down, and stabilized. Some aunts and uncles came and they saw me with her. They said hi and went and sat in the lobby, leaving me with her. The nurses sent me home at 6 in the morning. I'd been there all night. For the next several weeks I visited everyday, all day. I started to fail some of my classes, but most of my professors understood and gave me generous extensions on my papers. However one did not. He claimed that I knew about the paper all year and I should have had it ready, he didn't take into account that I had to do papers as they came, there wasn't time to jump ahead. Anyhow I failed that class, the only class I have ever failed. I'm not ashamed though. It was for a real reason.
I graduated that year, but I didn't want to walk the stage. I saw no reason to, it was just a formality and I remember thinking that if Grannie couldn't be there I had a better way to spend my day. She was proud of me though, she told me so, she was the first, it took my parents both several years to tell me that they were proud of me for graduating.
That summer I moved to Calgary, I wanted to, and yet I felt like I was abandoning her since I was really the only one left in the area. Around the same time my mom moved back and I felt a little better with my choice. Grannie was sad that I left, but she encouraged me. I called her often and visited when I was in BC. However she was getting sicker and sicker, and starting to have times when she wasn't coherent. When I decided to go to Korea I moved home and spent a couple weeks with her. She was supportive of me going, and gave me a ring on the last visit I had with her. I told her to keep it and give it to me when I came home. She said she would. This was in October.
She died that spring, my mom sent me an email and I read it at work. I scared all of the children in the computer lab because I just started wailing uncontrollably. I couldn't help myself. I managed to stumble out of the room and make my way into my bosses office where I was allowed to call my mom. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember asking if she was sure. I decided to not go to the funeral, after Grampa's death there was too much family infighting and I didn't want to deal with it at my Grannie's. I never took any time off to mourn her, even the day I found out I finished working that day. I can't even remember the date she died. I don't want to know it.
I miss her so much. She was so amazing.
So on today November 5th, I think of my Grannie and Grampa. They were the most amazing people. The best grandparents any child could ask for. I wish I could have spent more time with them. I wish they could have met Adam, and meet my baby. I don't dwell on the deaths of them, I really try to remember the feelings of happiness I had with them. So although this is a sad post, I do really like today. If I had a choice of a date to get married I would have chosen November 5th, in honour of them.
I guess I shouldn't love November as much, it's the month my Grampa died (Nov. 28th). But this month makes me think of them so much, I feel closer to them in November, perhaps it is a little macabre, but it works for me.


ETA: For some reason our host wouldn't upload this. Hopefully it'll work today. Grrrr.