The one with the issues.

It's no surprise to a lot of you that I have issues, or that I am a diva, drama queen etc. etc. I prefer diva. Anyhow since I have been in BC I have been thinking sometimes, between making wedding stuff and changing pooey diapers. I feel the need to share them with the world so here is a nice list of them for all of you lovely Internetters.

1. I don't want to list anything as number one because I don't want to imply that any of my neurosis are freakier than another.

2. I am having trouble defining myself. Some of my friends are teachers- they teach, some are designers- they design, some are lenders- they lend, some are engineers- they design, create, manufacture, over think. And myself, I do nothing, does that make me a nothinger? All kidding aside it's funny that society defines you by what you do. When someone asks you what you do, you say I'm a noun, not I verb. So now I don't know how to describe myself. Granted I keep myself busy and I don't just sit around all day, but I don't know how to define myself. I worked hard to be able to define myself in the past with something I considered appropriate, and now I don't have that. There will be a day when I am a stay at home mom, but I don't know if I like that title. There is such controversy with that. I don't want to get caught up in that. I am sure that people will just say that I shouldn't be concerned with how people define me, but we as a society define ourselves.

3. It kind of sucks not to be working. People often tell me how lucky I am that I get to stay at home and live off of my husband. Granted it was nice to have a break for a while and de-stress. Now along with my need to define myself I don't want to feel like a drain and feel like I contribute. Making Adam's dinners and all that is well and good, but I am not a housewife. I hate laundry and cleaning. Sigh, but it does need to be done and I am picky, I need to have the shirts folded just so, which means I need to do it.

4. This is a big one. Money. It really is a drag. A lot of time I think that Marx had it all right, but humans are so damn greedy that we all can't be alike, we like to compete and be better than someone. I know there are people that think that I have hit the big one and that I am lucky. I want to throttle these people. I am lucky, but not in the way they are thinking. I am lucky because Adam gets me. He understands my idiosyncrasies and doesn't judge me for them, and he lets me work through them. Also we have fun together, we have so much in common, and so much not in common. It's the not in common that I appreciate. This way I can learn more, like how anti-neurons can smash into neurons and make something new. I don't love him because there is a promise for security. I won't lie and say that it's not a nice thing to know. However I wouldn't compromise my integrity and marry someone I didn't love just for this promise, especially since I found my own security. This issue is huge for me becasue it hits me at my core. I've always had ambitions to make myself into something great, like a lawyer or a journalist, something fabulous and something that I would be proud to be. I went to university for this, not to become more worldly but as a means to an end. I accrued massive debt by ways of student loans for this reason. I worked hard to be able to say with conviction that I was a acceptable noun, and gold digger isn't that noun. Adam knows this and he doesn't think I am one. I know this, but I am not convinced that everyone knows this. I have a feeling that people who knew me as a child and a teenager think I've hit the "big one" and they are happy for me, and not because I've/ or I'll marry that greatest guy. There is more to this, but I don't want to get more specific, and the people closest to me will know this greater issue of this issue, or sub-issue.

5. I'm worried that the wedding won't go off without a hitch. I had a dream last night that I didn't have the flower girl flowers ready and all of the decorations weren't ready and everything was a mess.

6. I want to be a writer? I want to be a writer. I want to be a writer! I hope I can be a writer someday.

7. I have been working hard at the gym. I haven't seen amazing results, but I can feel them. I like that I am stronger and tighter. I want to stay on the path that I am on, and I don't want to be second guessed for it. It's something that makes me happy and it's not like I'm getting into the smack to make myself feel good. Besides with the like of Menopausal Barbie there, it makes great blog fodder.

Ha I publish this post just as I have sent out all of the invitations and there will potentially be more readers to this site. I guess I should be doing lots of posting in the next little while to bury this one.